The Truth About Music: Play It Loud

"What's hot, what's not, and whats next in pop music"

Opinion: 2011 Was Histories Largest Musical Fart (Explicit)

David Bowie and Mick Jagger

I always wonder what columnists of the ’70s wrote as the ’80s were in full swing, when the artists that they had once loved, turned into sad portraits of their former selves. Did they realize Paul McCartney, the man who wrote so many classics, could be capable of such crimes against ears as “Silly Love Songs” etc? Did anyone ever imagine that The Rolling Stones, who wrote the masterpiece “Exile on Main Street” would see their singer prance around in the most homoerotic video ever? (Seriously, Mick Jagger and David Bowie likely had sex at some point of the shoot, watch “Dancing in the Streets,” and tell me differently). In those cases it was the time, but did they see it as just, downright bad?

Have critics always felt like an outside voice in a lot of cases as they watched the mainstream gobble up whatever garbage the record executives dropped in their laps?

I’m starting to feel that my musical tastes are going backwards as I seek out more of the classics as much of what is being produced today, is just….unlistenable. It’s like 2011 is the dawn of Idocracy. If the song has no cultural value, and a nice beat, people will eat it up. Song by song, the message of stupidity grows stronger with everything that the clubs are blasting. The value of production, songwriting, being an artist, has completely gone to the wayside. Things like how many Twitter followers you have or, how hot you can be at one moment in time, which literally can be a moment now, is the new musical legitimacy. People worship rappers like Oddfuture and Kreashawn who got big over the Internet. No paying dues, being hard, or earning respect.

Nope. Not anything with reason, but by coming up with a deft hook that grabs the lowest common denominator, and getting those web clicks. Next thing you know, you’re being featured on Pitchfork next to some guy in a flannel shirt with fucking reindeer antlers on his head as some kind of social statement. Have we strayed so far from actually appreciating artistic solidarity in pop culture? The Police were pop darlings, but man, those dudes wrote brilliant songs. Coldplay were like that for a moment, but quickly, it went right back into this shiftless, formless vomit of a qausi intelligent “fashion forward” MTV branded, shadowy string pullers in suits wallowing in the shit factory that’s stench would choke a starving dog.

It’s like a musical variance of the dude who’s rapping while making pancakes, and claiming he’s got a hilarious cousin in Kansas who thinks he’s the re-birth of Tupac. If you believe that line of crap, you’re insane. “Bennett” was funny for a week. But, those of the lower end of the gene pool keep lapping it up when it’s clearly as fake as who the WWE champion is.

LMFAO

A prime example of the wallowing pond scum we sewer rats are forced to imbibe: LMFAO. You can’t even single out one song. Look at how these dudes look first off. They look like ugly tranny’s with hair that a blind person styled in a crack den that doubles as a retired ’80s prostitute sanctuary, and no one is even getting sucked off. Well, maybe a little man on man action, but I digress. “Party Rock Anthem,” “Champagne Showers,” “Sexy and I know it”….what kinds of people celebrate dancing around like a $2 asshole to bad produced music, with hooks about wiggling, and doing the running man? LMFAO is soulless trash. It encapsulates everything wrong with music in one easily disposed package. It’s no better than the exclusively mundane Duck Sauce or as most call it “Barbra Streisand” it isn’t even a song. It’s two beats matched back to back with a vocoder. It’s not even music. There are no changes, breakdowns, anything.

And yet, somehow, over 65 MILLION people have watched it’s video on YouTube. It’s a song called “DUCK SAUCE.” It has nothing to offer, except the living abortions, known as the cast of Jersey Shore, enjoy it. That’s a portrait of where we’ve arrived; the collective attention span of a box turtle. We’re a collective society who thinks Lil Wayne’s “How to Love” is actually timeless, or that dad’s will be sharing Skrillex’s music with his kids. “Move It Like Berney” isn’t even a song. It’s one awful beat that people lean back to and pretend their dead while “dancing ironically.” Black folks don’t even like that song, it’s lame white kids from the middle of nowhere who think dressing in boat shoes and polo shirts are cool that want to get in touch with their “inner gangster” when the only thing their channeling is the ability for someone to smash them in the grill with a rake.

Musical cancer Toby Keith dropped the stinking turd known as “Red Solo Cup” onto the vacuous pack of morons who buy pop country records. These people need to be crushed with hammers in front of their bastard children, and left on their answering machines, as a symbol of what garbage Toby Keith is. Sure, it’s a happy go lucky song about drinking, but a fucking awful song about drinking that only the dregs of society with the IQ of a banana enjoy. Another round of vocabularic bullets goes out to the song “Racks,” proving that anyone with enough money behind them can trick the stupids into thinking the song is good. “Racks” features a crew of dudes who are clearly missing a few key chromosomes, rapping over a vanilla beat, but all in autotune, thus creating a flow that is literally IMPOSSIBLE to dictate without the aide of a lyrics sheet. Watching people try to navigate their way through it while in the club is downright viral video worthy.

Toby Keith and His Red Solo Cup

Yet, there they are trying to pretend their cool while mouthing away to junk. Quickly as I step back into country, everything that Dierks Bentely or Jason Aldean produce is a clear reminder, again of the cultural banality of the average country music fan. The entire catalog of the two artists is deplorable to anyone with half of a brain. It’s like a sharpened screwdriver straight into the eyeball. Pray to JC, the felon hits a nerve and kills you.

And how did so many gay men influence people everywhere to love the cast of Glee? What the fuck is up with people wanting to hear someone else’s horrid song sung theater style? Last I checked most people want to murder drama kids, not make them superstars for sucking.

Who can forget Nicki Manj? The millionaire genius who graces us with such prowess as the eloquent “my ass and my anus is finally famous.” Wow people, we’ve stooped so low as to let a mouth breathing down syndrome patient have a microphone, and worse yet, people love it. She’s on the new Big Sean track, intelligently titled “A$$” which, quite literally, the hook of the song is saying the word ass, and then “make that motherfucker hammertime” while sampling Mc Hammer’s “U Can’t Touch This.” Yep. That’s where we’ve stooped.

What can we blame it on? Where can we find some kind of answer? Has music degraded that much? Pop music back in the day had changes, and verses, all kinds of classic elements of music. Now? Forget it. It’s a long standing sing along about hanging in the club, and pretending you’re the “funnest” person who’s ever exisited. That’s the package that’s being sold. It’s all about fun. Think about every Flo Rida song, it’s all about some kind of night out. Hell, half of Justin Beiber’s tracks are about going out, and he’s not even old enough to buy a pack of smokes.

Eminem

Hip hop, which has become this nations top 40, used to feature really intovative sampling of the classics, or at least well written music. Now, we’re likely to get a variance of drums in whatever slobbish mound of garbage some new “producer” labels as “the new hotness.” Whatever. There isn’t anything hot anymore, it’s what someone can figure out how to package and stick a label on before someone asks if said rapper, can in fact, actually rap. I hate to admit it, but Eminem is a talented bastard, and he can actually rip apart 98% of “rappers” that have sold any amount of records over the past 5 years. Why? Beause he’s from a different school, and a different era, such is Jay-Z. Kayne West lives on his own planet, so we won’t even go there. I don’t think anyone knows what’s on that dude’s mind aside from a lot of expensive vodka, and strong cannibas. Snoop Dogg? Shit, that guy will do anything for a dollar; he’s only relevant because of one record 20 years ago. Legend? Hardly.

Where are the rock bands of this decade? Are they all in hiding? All we’re left with on the cultural forefront right now are lame ass Maroon 5, who just did a hokey song with former hot chick Christina Aguilera, and the Foo Fighters. Everyone else has gone underground. While, I champion all things non family friendly, it would be nice to see someone with a guitar, and an attitude shake the countless societal numbers into liking music that didn’t come with a brand slapped on it, and a corporate sponsorship to boot. There is no aesthetic to viable rock and roll right now. It’s a dead art in the general public’s eyes, and that’s sad. For every suburban dad who yells at his teenage son to pull up his pants, and talk right, John Lennon and Kurt Cobain roll in their graves.

But, always remember, somehow people actually like Chris Brown. That alone is mind-boggling.

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3 Legacy Comments

  • Comment by Mary Valdez posted December 28, 2011 at 13:31

    First of all, I agree with everything you have said and despaired of ever finding any contemporary music worth buying, although I found your descriptions remarkably restrained in view of the absolutely deplorable pap that passes for music these days. But I digress. Where are the rock bands of this decade?

    Four words in answer to your question: Here Come the Mummies. A funk/jazz/rock/indie band of Nashville studio musicians who will rock your socks off and get you laid all in the same night. Every lyric is a double entendre and their performances are like foreplay to all the females in the audience. They write their own music, do their own recording, brand themselves so well it is the consummate anti-brand. Check them out, you won’t regret it. And then get them to play New Orleans, I am tired of driving to Nashville and the midwest to see their shows!

  • Comment by goodpoint posted December 28, 2011 at 21:42

    You make some good points, but ya lost me at “intovative”. Then ya got me back again at Snoop Dogg doing anything for a dollar LOL. I don’t agree with everything but I’d say a good 90%. Sadly I think rock is dead (on radio at least) but I pray for the return of actual talented singers, not auto tuned “singers”.

    Interesting post.

  • Comment by LisaW posted December 28, 2011 at 23:05

    *stands slow clapping*

    I totally agree with you on all points. Its a clue of the level of quality when ppl put out a single a month it seems. The only highlight was Adele who is great and she lead the charts all year with just two singles.

    I have been a music lover for year and cant listen to any pop radio station for more than half a song.I hope to god these pop barbies all take a break for a while. And who made the law that Bruno Mars had to sing on every song made?

    2012 will be better…..right????