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TAM Presents: Robert’s Worst Songs of 2010

With 2010 wrapping up, I wanted to make the standard list that any critic does around this time of year. I thought long and hard about it, but kept coming up with the same kinds of questions, what can I do that’s different than the rest of the pack? Where to go, what to do that will kick the TAM readers right in the breadbasket and get the angry comments? Should I make a top 10 list of stunning movies, or killer music (Shooter Jennings)? What about the events, or sports (SAINTS!)? I couldn’t decide. So, I went with my gut feeling and let my bias as a music critic, as well as a DJ take the wheel and talk about the songs, that somehow landed on the pop culture radar for a little while, but made me homicidal hearing them. The 10 songs of 2010, that when I hear them, I want to burn a church down or watch a movie on Lifetime to teach myself a lesson in derelict pain. Songs, I loathe THAT much.

Here they are in no particular order, the worst songs of 2010:

Whip My Hair by Willow Smith

Look, this kid got a record deal because of her parents. That’s nothing new; the entertainment business is rife with nepotism. That’s not my beef. My issue is that this song totally sucks and what’s worse is that you’re letting a CHILD sing it. Willow will be saying thanks for robbing me of my childhood, dad, in no time when she’s on an episode of celebrity intervention by 19 for huffing some kid she met in the hood’s dong to “change her image”.

She doesn’t even sound like a 10 year old. She sounds like Rhianna, which I don’t know is a praiseworthy thing or a terrible thing considering Rihanna is full grown and super hot. I’d let Rhianna beat me like Chris Brown did her, any time. Speaking of which, her song “What’s my name” SUCKS. It’s the worst thing she’s ever done. The chant of “Oh na na” is so lame it’s crippling and thus, letting me off the hook with one of my songs on my list. To recap: Willow Smith – Whip my hair and Rhianna – What’s my name both totally suck.

Level of violence: each song would make swallow a capful of bleach.

Just a Dream by Nelly

Anytime a Hip Hop track starts like a terrible Paramore song that should be taken as a sign of something terrible on the horizon. Somehow, Nelly has this innate ability to take a track and make it sound like it was written 15 years ago, but by Tupac, and the song was “Changes” and it didn’t suck. Seriously, listen to “Just a Dream,” and if you don’t discover the former’s DNA splattered all over it, you’ve been drinking. Also, Nelly is a terrible, horrible rapper and the fact that he’s a millionaire is mind-boggling considering the cannon of gems such as “EI” or “Air force 1’s” but that’s not what the record-stealing public says. They’re clearly infatuated with the guy who’s as relevant as a higher grade Ja Rule. I’d rather shove a magic marker in my ear then ever have to willingly hear this song again.

The Club Can’t Handle Me by Flo Rida

Flo Rida knows his niche and owns it. He’s cooler with middle-aged women who want to “Shake their booty” more so than the younger set and essentially, by this time, in a post “Apple Bottom Jeans” world, he panders to the same, considering they’ve been growing up together the last few years or so. Everything about Flo Rida is banal, safe music that no one in their right minds would ever find edgy or unsettling. The guy is a walking commercial for pop music, where his credibility lacks, his pocket book says something much different, but that’s not why this song blows so hard.

For all intents and purposes, this song should be number one for one basic reason that it gave douche bags something to scream when loaded in a nightclub. Seriously, my tan skinned, Ed Hardy wearing friends, if, for any moment of your life think “Man this club cannot handle of the rage that’s happening right now, I’m partying so hard, the walls will fall!!!!” I assure and guarantee you that it can. The club handles everyone.

If, at any moment of spilled vodka and Redbull, you feel like some shit is about to get real, it’s more than likely because you bro’ed out too hard and some other Neanderthal with a “bling chain” and a head to toe Armani outfit told your girlfriend she belonged on the dirty and your man-feelings have now been compromised. Such thinking leads us straight into our next song on the list:

I Like It by Enrique Iglesias

This song isn’t bad, it’s what it’s associated with is what makes it gut wrenching. Yes, I am obviously speaking about the phenomenon of Jersey Shore, the television equivalent to a mental lobotomy performed by a group of people who should have been trips to the abortion clinic, instead of awarded piles of cash for being obnoxious wretches of human life. The entire culture celebrated on this show is despicable, and those who watch it should feel ashamed of themselves for only making this idea that “it’s a trainwreck” or “It’s fun to watch” is acceptable. Why? Television is a direct link to people’s sense of style. Believe me, it’s a fact. If you don’t think Jersey Shore had a ripple effect, you’ve clearly never been to the place in question, nor the West Bank of New Orleans. Do you want your sister or daughter banging some clown who refers to himself as “The Situation”? Liberal use of the term “Hater” is also liable for vigilante justice of getting a gun put in your mouth, and the trigger pulled.

The Wop by J Dash

The stupidest song of the year, easily. J Dash, go eat some pennies out of a fountain.

Anything by Gucci Mane

Of the entire roster of positively brutal rappers Lil Wayne has released on the world with his Young Money crew, Gucci Mane is easily the worst. C’mon, you’re on the same team as Nicki Manaj and Drake, and you still feel the need to start almost every track appearance with the same flow as “What the fuck is up? It’s Gucci Mane?”

“Wasted” is alright, at best. It’s not a revolution in music by any stretch, hell, no one knows any of the words aside from the part about drinking like a “White Boy” anyhow. Thumbs down to Gucci Mane cause “Lemonaide” is a totally WEAK song.

Teach Me How to Duggie by Cali Swag District

No one knows what the hell a Duggie is, and no one knows how to do the dance. The dance gets screwed up more times than Miley Cyrus’s vagina on a weekend night after a few Four Loko’s and a packed bong.

Bionic by Christina Aguilera

Baby girl, I have loved you in a wholly sexual, and the non-musical way since we were 16 and now that you’re rich and powerful and I’m borderline unemployed and struggling, I think it’s a time to let you know the last record BLEW. You’re not Lady Gaga (read my essay for further info), and you’re not on the cutting edge anymore, get a clue and make music that makes you happy cause Bionic wasn’t it. It thoroughly and utterly sounded dated and especially hokey, and there wasn’t even a sexy video to put on mute and masturbate to.

Rebirth by Lil Wayne

Broham, you’ve been running the rap game for a few years now. If you ever pick up a guitar again, I’m gonna hunt you down. Stick to rapping about weed and pussy. Leave bitching about the prom queen to white kids in the suburbs who hate life. Write more songs that are less “Rock and Roll” and more “Steady Mobbin”. You’ve got an entire nation of oppressed white dudes who wish they were black needing your leadership on things such as sports and why red is your preferred color, not how you slightly learned how to pluck a few guitar strings and now think you’re Dimebag Darrell.

Add A Comment

6 Legacy Comments

  • Comment by Stacey posted December 27, 2010 at 16:34

    I completely agree with everything, except for the use of the word “broham”. Dude, seriously?

  • Comment by Robert Dean posted December 27, 2010 at 20:18

    Also, add anything by Pink or Katy Perry. Katy is crazy hot but her music is like ear cancer. And, fuck Russell Brand.

  • Comment by Jon posted December 28, 2010 at 00:12

    great list, there are a bunch of others like anything by shinedown, this Waka Flocka Flame character, anything by justin beiber, anything by soulja boy. Also i know u put them in no particular order, but that teach me how to dougie song definitely plays on a loop in hell, so i’d say that’s the number 1 worst song of 2010, yet for some reason, our culture gives these idiots more money then most real, talented artists… go figure.

  • Comment by Diskografije posted December 29, 2010 at 08:19

    Teach Me How to Duggie is my favorite song.It s great I see it on the list.

  • Comment by Alexandria posted January 07, 2011 at 12:19

    Wow, thank you for this article.

  • Comment by guitar_songs posted January 09, 2011 at 01:07

    I agree with this. I don’t know most of the songs on your list and that’s makes me convince that they are worst. :)