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True Blood Season 5 Ep. 9 'Everybody Wants To Rule The World' Recap

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As always, spoilers ahead. Now put the baby fangs away before you piss me off…

With only three episodes left, True Blood is kicking things into high gear, with things escalating into what seems like an inevitable vampire versus human war that will involve all other supes, whether they like it or not.

Last week’s “Somebody I Used To Know,” ended with Bill laying out a plan to blow up all of the True Blood factories while coolly sipping a drink and telling a panicked Eric he was “evolving.” Which both Eric and I assumed was the beginning of another tried and true Bill Compton deception. And for most of the episode we were half right; after being talked off the Lilith ledge yet again (Bill: “We saw God.” Eric: “We were high.”), Bill comes down and agrees to seduce Salome so he can take her blood and they can make their escape with Nora, whom Eric sedates after duping her with his best “I’m a lost soul” act.

Things are going swimmingly at first, with Bill imagining his fangs are sinking into Sookie’s neck. But after getting a taste of Salome’s blood, he finds himself staring face to face with a naked, blood-soaked Lilith (does she at least own a sarong or a slip? I mean, even Zeus had a toga). Has Salome been juicing on the sacred O negative so much she actually bleeds it? Or did she just pull one hell of an okey doke on Bill? Either way, the sex/Lilith vision pushes Bill over the fence from agnostic to full-on zealot, and he rats out Eric and the techie chick just as they try to flee the compound. And judging from the vacant (or serene–choose which adjective you like best) gleam in his eye, he truly believes he’s doing Lilith’s will. Good for Bill, bad for Eric, as he probably won’t coming back to Bon Temps anytime soon.

It also sucks for Pam, who at first takes an apolitical stance toward the impending vampire revolution while making sure to stock up on enough True Blood to keep her wallet obese. She always was a practical girl. It’s clear she’s worried about Eric, but smacks down Tara’s offer of a shoulder to cry on with a Pam quote that has to be in her top five best comebacks: “Just because we drank a bitch together does not make us Oprah and Gayle. Get the fuck back to work.”

But Pam better learn to lean on her progeny, as her plan to “keep our heads down, tits out and the True Blood flowin’” comes crashing down when, after spotting a human being fed on in public and going into her usual bitchy-remark-followed-by-a-threat-of-violence routine, she gets the boot by the male vamp she learns is her new sheriff. Oh, and vampires can now feed on humans openly. Cheers! On a side note, Pam, crimping the hair…again? We’ve talked about this. And what happened to Ginger?

Although Tara is one vampire who won’t be stopping by Sookie or Lafayette’s home (“Bitch stop texting me or I will eat you”), bloodsuckers are once again the main focus of Sookie’s life, even though Warlow doesn’t seem all that interested in her fairy vagina. On the plus side, the turn of evens have drawn her and Lafayette back together, with Lafayette trying and failing to conjure Warlow (“I ain’t Whoopi Goldberg in Ghost“–obviously the writers anticipated our collective “hey, this reminds me of” reaction to last week’s seance), but taking time to admire his eyebrows and throw top-shelf shade (“I ain’t Gmail for dead bitches”).

He does make contact with Gran, who suggests Sookie look through old photos and clippings to find the answer, which leads her to former sheriff Bud Dearborn. She tries to read his mind and tries to grab his hand to get some extra juice flowing, but comes up empty, right before getting knocked out and hogtied in a barn with a bunch of pigs. Sounds like a bizarro version of Hee Haw doesn’t it? Turns out Bud’s been busy in his retirement–you know, cheating on the wife with some insane screw, a.k.a The Dragon, and heading up the local hate group hell bent on destroying all supernaturals. I guess bingo night wasn’t filling the void.

Andy and Jason, searching for Hoyt after a distraught Jessica visits the station, figure out Bud’s behind the supernatural attacks and storm his home. A showdown leads to Bud being shot in the chest and killed and Hoyt hauled off to the hospital. Luna and Sam also joined the fray, after getting into another spat about Luna taking it easy and letting Sam do the dirty work (didn’t they argue about his last week?), and literally becoming flies on the wall to learn where the hate group’s hideout is. While I don’t think I’ll ever warm up to Luna, I did find myself cheering her on as she wailed on Bud’s psycho girlfriend, if only for the fact she was doing it to someone I cared about even less.

Out of all the species, the werewolves are in the worse shape to fight the vampire takeover. High on V and hedging their bets on being Russell Edgington’s attack wolves, they swarm to drink his blood like the fiends they are, all except for Martha, holding onto Emma for dear life and vowing never to drink from a fanger. Russell being Russell, he snatches Emma away from her and gives her to the new Talbot, a.k.a Steve Newlin, and the two lovebirds walk away with a new pet. Ain’t love grand? In a nanosecond of sobriety, JD tries to get Emma back, but gets choked out and tossed aside by Russell , who drops his genteel southern gentleman act and lapses into the ancient, power-hungry kook we met in season three. Sam and Luna have the work cut out for them with that mess.

Alcide isn’t doing much better. With no Debbie, no Sookie, and no pack, he drives home to Jackson and sips beer with his deadbeat dad. While I’m almost certain Martha or Rikki will somehow convince him to come back to lead, things are looking pretty bleak for the pack. At least the fairies have their own juke joint, which Claude, Claudette and Claudeshia (nice one:) may be asking Sookie to join them at when they drop by in the middle of night. Or perhaps they’re trying to rally the fae and want to teach Sookie some more magic tricks.

Terry’s Ifrit story line finally came to an end. After taking Arlene hostage at Merlotte’s and making Terry get on his knees, it looked like it was a wrap for our loopy Iraq vet, until Arlene stabbed Patrick in neck. A tussled ensued, with everyone shouting orders at Terry (Arlene: shoot him! Patrick: “This is how it started. With you taking orders.”) before Zephria appears and simply instructs to do what is right. Which in this case means popping Patrick in the dome. The Ifrit comes and sops up the mess, and all is well again in the Bellefleur household. For now…

Aside from the Bellefleurs, everyone else is either preparing for or being sucked into what is shaping up to be an unavoidable showdown. Hopefully we won’t be disappointed.

Other Notes:

–Couldn’t the secretary in the Authority compound have stepped right off the set of Mad Men? Seriously Peggy, Joan…if you need a fall back gig, don’t be stranger.

–I’m hoping the writers will give Kenya more to do, if only because her deadpan delivery is hilarious and she’s the only human in Bon Temps with any common sense. When Jason, momentarily lapsing back into his default state of dumb, speculates the hate group wears Obama masks because “they don’t want to be recognized,” and she said “God help us. Amen,” I died. I know girl, I know. Just keep your head up, collect your check and keep it movin’.

–Although I prefer the Tears For Fears version, I can see why the producers went with the lo-fi, Pepper Ann-esque (who else loved that show back in the day?) cover of “Everybody Wants To Rule The World,” as the original just wouldn’t have fit the tone of the show. Still it would’ve been kinda worth it to see Bill and Eric staring at each other and nodding like they were in the last reel of a John Hughes film.

So what did you think of “Everybody Wants To Rule The World?” Discuss.



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